


My Immortal

by deanisbiandsoami



Series: Why? JUst why did I come up with this? [21]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, CW: Self Harm, CW: Suicide, Dark, Depression, Hurt, I apologize in advance, I'm sorry okay, Lawyer Sam, Look at the title, M/M, Only brief mention of sexy times, Pain, Probably Lawyer Kevin but not relevant, Psychiatrist Dean, Rated Mature because of Self-Harm and Suicide, Song Inspired, Suicide, depressed character, multiple actually, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 04:29:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4421390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanisbiandsoami/pseuds/deanisbiandsoami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a psychiatrist for god's sake,  he should know better than this. </p>
<p>(Jeez guys I'm so sorry I forgot the summary. )</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Immortal

**Author's Note:**

> Okay seriously, if you didn't read the tags TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Self Harm, Depression. This is serious stuff, guys.

Alright, because I know some people skip the notes and because I love all you guys that read my fanfics one again

**!!!!!!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!!!!!!!!**

Self Harm, Suicide, Depression

 

* * *

 

Dean pressed his palms over his closed eyes, sliding down the wall in his bedroom.

"Why can't you just leave?!" He yelled, feeling tears against his hands, stubborn tears forcing their way out between his firmly closed lids. "Please!" He yelled, his voice breaking and stumbling.

"I don't know, Dean." The gruff voice he'd grown to loathe replied. The man's well known hands gently pulling at his wrists. "I love you." Cas said. Dean's sobs getting worse.

"I love you too." He said, letting Cas' hands pull his own away from his eyes, still not opening them.

"Dean. Look at me." Cas demanded. Dean shook his head and Cas gripped his face, leaning closer and pressing his lips against Dean's. "Please look at me." Cas said softly.

"Cas-" Dean almost chocked on the name. He had to force his eyes to open, seeing Cas' face handsome as ever, smiling at him.

"I'm here, Dean. I'm here. Everything's fine." Dean fought the impulse to shake his head and clench his eyes shut again. Cas pressed a kiss to Dean's forehead and he spread his knees letting Cas settle against his chest. He wrapped his arms around Cas, burying his face in Cas' hair until he stopped crying. Allowing the familiar scent calm him. 

"See?" Cas mumbled when Dean's heartbeat and breathing were back to normal.

 

"How you're doing?" Sam asked as Dean came in next morning. They had their offices in the same building for quite some time now. Lawyer and Psychiatrist… seemed a good fit. Dean helped some abusive bastards behind bars and Sam ushered mothers, brothers, fathers and what not into Dean's office after they'd lost people they loved or had gotten a knack from whatever crime had been done to them. 

"As always." Dean said. Sam sighed.

"Dude, it's been three years now." Sam said. "You gotta get back in the game." Dean shrugged.

"I'm working, aren't I?" Dean grumbled and closed to the door to his office, ending the talk they had close to every day.

 

Dean had three patients that day. Mrs. Grey who had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and needed help building herself up again (A/N: yep, that was a reference). Mr. Golan who had several personalities one of them very fond of killing the others and Ms. Everett a young girl with a social anxiety Dean had only rarely seen in his career. It had taken weeks for the poor girl to talk to him without getting a panic attack. She reminded him of Cas sometimes, with her large eyes and the way she'd sometimes stare at him like a deer in headlights.

After that it was just boring paperwork.

 

"Dean?" He heard Sam close to end of the day. He looked up.

"Kevin and me wanted to grab a beer at the bar because of the anniversary. You up for it?" Sam asked.

"No." He said, his default answer for everything Sam asked him that had nothing to do with work.

"Come on, Dean. I understand your pain and all that but seriously, you're starting to worry me." He said. "Do you need your own psychiatrist?" Dean sighed.

"Fine. One beer." He relented just to shut his brother up. He maybe wasn't fine, and maybe he wasn't sane but he sure as hell could handle himself.

 

"To Cas." Kevin said, raising his beer. Dean almost fell off his stool as he saw Cas' blue eyes look back at him from the stool next to Kevin.

"To Cas." He whispered.

"To Cas." Sam said. "And everyone else who lost the battle." They all took a large swig of their beer.

"It ain't fair that he had to put up with all that." Kevin said. Dean opened his mouth but closed it again.

"Damn right." Sam said. "And it wasn't fair that help came too late." Dean looked down at his hands.

"It's not your fault, Dean." He heard Kevin say.

"He was too far in." Sam added. "It's not your fault that he killed himself."

 

_Dean shouldn't have been so shaken by this. He knows this could have happened. It was his job. He had many depressed and addicted patients before… but none of the were like Cas… Castiel. He came or better was dragged to Dean's office almost seven years ago. He hadn't handles the loss of his father and most of his siblings at all and spiralled down into a deep depression and various drug addictions. He was completely broken and Dean took him in._

_He helped him out of the drug addictions pretty fast considering the amount of drugs Cas had been taking. He took the last pill three years after he met Dean but there was still the depression and as he slowly got Cas to open up to him he discovered more and more layers to Cas' problems. He tried a lot, everything really and it seemed like he was succeeding. Cas started to smile, sometimes even laugh. The first time Cas understood one of his references Dean realized what he'd been suspecting for a really long time._

_He was in love with Castiel._

_He knew that technically he wasn't allowed to have relationships with his patients but Cas had bonded with him and trusted him it would just put him back to the start if Dean left him now so he ignored his feelings until Cas suddenly kissed him. It was a bit step forward to Cas so Dean didn't stop him._

_Cas really seemed to get better, his nightmares thinned out and he told Dean they were replaced by dreams of him and happiness._

_And then Gabriel died. His brother that had dragged Cas to Dean in the first place and Cas fell apart again. He was cursing God, destiny the car that had crashed into Gabriel's and Dean, but Dean just held him through tantrums and sob attacks. Dean started his therapy all over again but this time Cas didn't start smiling again._

_Instead Dean found him sitting in the bathroom with bleeding cuts and tears running down his cheeks. Dean took the razor blade from him, asking why the hell he was doing that._

_"Physical pain is easier than mental pain." Those words haunted Dean for the rest of his life, because hr understood them so well. There was a reason for his job, for his need to help people find a way back to happiness._

_He'd done it himself after his father died, ripping all the carefully closed wounds of his mother's death open._

_The next time Dean caught Cas cutting it was too late. Cas was lying in the bathtub soaked in his own blood with his wrists and neck sliced open a piece of paper perched on the edge of the tub saying 'I'm sorry, Dean'. Dean almost fainted at the sight. He tried to shake Cas awake even though he knew it was useless. He called an ambulance, just as useless._

_No one could help Cas anymore, his wounds weren't bleeding. He kissed the pale lips of his lover and ran his hands through his hair until he heard the sirens in the street._

_Dean knew that Cas was never stable, the rational part of his brain thought it was impressive that Cas had held out for so long. The rest of his brain was mourning._

_He was angry and felt guilty for leaving Cas alone. He hated how the world seemed hell-bent on keeping him from achieving happiness. He worked and helped his patients, he met with friends and did everything he did before Cas-_

_But nothing really captured his attention. All he really did was thinking about Cas._

_At first he thought maybe it would get better with time but it didn't. Instead he started dreaming about Cas, about a life with him and both of them happy and then he'd blink and his smiling Cas had changed into the blood smeared, lifeless body he saw last. It was like losing him every night over and over again._

_If only that was the worst._

_It was a rainy day when it first happened. He came home, immediately flopping down on what was once their bed._

_"Hello, Dean." He heard that familiar voice like he would every day before- Dean almost died of shock but soon he realized that when he heard Cas' voice, he was okay._

_While his hallucinations took the pain away as long as they lasted, it was only more intense every time that deep rumble didn't answer anymore._

_It had been days since Dean last heard Cas. He was on edge, his heart was shattered like a window someone had thrown a rock against. Dean knew he couldn't take another crack without falling apart._

_That's when Cas' words came back to him "Physical pain is easier than mental pain" Dean whispered and went into the bathroom. He opened Cas' side of the cabinet for the first time in… god, almost two years now. A sad smile crept onto his face as he spotted the bloody razor blade. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and took the blade. He sat down on the toilet and looked at his arms._

_The scars there were faint, thin lines, criss-crossing over each other and painting his arms in all kinds of patterns. He knew he wouldn't just get away with new cuts. Sam looked at his arms far too often for him to just not notice or not comment if Dean started wearing long sleeves (in LA)._

_Dean swallowed and pulled off his pants. The scars there were the ones Sam had never seen. He felt tears rise as he remembered how Castiel had kissed every single one of his scars. The memory tore dangerously at his fragile heart._

_Dean licked his lips as he lifted the blade to his thigh. He'd forgotten how good this could feel. The pain sparking up his spine, taking over all his attention, leaving nothing but the red hot sensation. His heart was pounding in his chest and for the first time in years Dean could breathe. The pain started to ebb away and he cut again._

_He'd lost track of time, caught up in his pain and the blood flowing down his thigh, dripping onto the floor. He moved the blade to cut again but felt long fingers around his hand that was holding the silver and red blade. He looked down to see Cas' fingers. He was kneeling in front of him, like Dean had when he first caught Cas._

_"Dean." His lover said. Dean smiled down at him, realizing that he'd been crying._

_"Hey, love." He answered._

_"Stop this." Castiel said, taking the razor from him and throwing it onto the ground._

_"It hurts." Dean said. "You can't leave me. It hurts too much." Dean said, meeting Cas' blue eyes again. He saw the concern in the big orbs._

_"I won't." Cas said. "Just promise me, you won't do that again." Cas said, putting his hand to Dean's knees._

_"Okay." Dean mumbled. Castiel smiled up at him._

_"I love you." He said and Dean let out a sob._

_"I love you too." He said, his voice shaking._

 

Dean clenched his jaw, looking up at his lover. Now he saw the pale version of him, his eyes cold and dead, his neck dyed red with blood.

"He was out." Dean said. "I fixed him. He smiled and he laughed… he was okay. And then Gabe died and it all went to shit. That stupid fucking car. He shouldn't've died." Sam put a hand to Dean's shoulder.

"I know you loved him, Dean. But you gotta let him go, don't let him drag you down into that black pit. You know that never ends pretty, you've seen it countless times." Dean shook his head.

"I love him. Present tense." He said, looking at Cas again, his eyes sparkling. He was back to normal. "I just- I can't let him go. I know it's been a long time since I met him and since he died… but god, it feels like yesterday. I still think he's gonna be there when I get back home, when I walk into the bathroom."

"That's it. You need a new place!" Kevin said. "Isn't that what you tell your patients? A fresh start." 

"Not for everybody…" Dean mumbled.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I apologize again. Please leave kudos if you liked it despite all the darkness of my brain child and leave comments!


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